Well, folks… that’s a wrap. Justice has officially been served. Or at least, that’s what the Department of Justice wants you to believe.

Yesterday, July 7, 2025 — nearly six years after Jeffrey Epstein’s sudden, totally believable death in his maximum-security jail cell — the DOJ and FBI held hands, took a deep breath, and finally told us what they’d been dying to say all along:

“There is no client list. Epstein definitely killed himself. And by the way, unicorns are real, cameras break all the time, and guards fall asleep routinely. Move along.”

At least Karoline Leavitt felt enough Catholic guilt about lying, she took off the cross she was so proud of.

Credit:@Chesschick01

Let’s recap this stunning piece of investigative rigor, shall we?

A Suicide So Nice, They Confirmed It Thrice

On August 10, 2019, America’s most dangerous former math teacher turned financier-sex trafficker-pervert-degenerate was found unresponsive in his cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center. He was awaiting trial for trafficking underage girls to… well, that’s the thing, isn’t it? We’ll never really know to whom.

The same officials who can’t even keep Amtrak running on time assured us Epstein died by suicide. He simply tied a bedsheet around his neck, leaned forward dramatically, and voila: one of the most high-profile inmates in American history conveniently offed himself just as a bunch of powerful people were about to get really uncomfortable.

Cameras? Broken. Guards? Asleep. Protocol? Abandoned.

What a coincidence!

"We Found Nothing. Trust Us."

Fast forward to June 2023. The DOJ Inspector General’s office, after years of foot-dragging that would make FIFA officials blush, issued a report. It detailed some bureaucratic hiccups (missed cell checks, malfunctioning cameras, falsified records — y’know, nothing too suspicious), but concluded that Epstein’s death was a plain ol’ suicide.

No foul play here. Just your everyday combination of Banana Republic incompetence and cosmic timing.

If you believe this, I have some FTX tokens to sell you.

Credit:kewearechange

Ghislaine Maxwell: Convicted of Trafficking Women Into Thin Air

Ghislaine Maxwell, Epstein’s socialite madam, was convicted in 2021 for trafficking underage girls. Again, to whom? I guess she just delivered girls into the ether.

We’ve now entered the quantum realm of justice: a sex trafficking conspiracy in which only one person committed a crime, and no one received the service.

“Client List? What Client List?”

Amidst growing public pressure — and after AG Pam “Blondie” Bondi herself hinted that the fabled “client list” might see the light of day — the DOJ this week slammed the vault shut.

Their official memo reads like it was drafted by the PR department of a banana republic:

• No client list exists.
• No one else will be charged.
• Epstein wasn’t blackmailing anyone.
• All footage confirms he died by suicide.
• Shut up, peasant.

Mind you, this memo arrives after six years of investigations, delays, media leaks, strange “accidents,” and countless “coincidences.” It’s like Watergate meets Groundhog Day — except no one goes to jail, and we all keep waking up to find Epstein still didn’t kill himself.

Credit:@JDVance

“Mischief Managed!”

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the genius of this official narrative.

• Epstein died by suicide while under the “watchful eye” of guards who took a nap and cameras that took a holiday.
• No one — not a single billionaire, politician, or tech titan—ever had sex with the girls trafficked by Epstein and Maxwell.
• Epstein never had a client list, never collected blackmail material, never leveraged his powerful relationships for anything nefarious.
• And the dozens of victims? Just figments of our collective imagination.

It’s the prosecutorial equivalent of shrugging while lighting a cigar with a shredded flight log.

So... Who Benefits?

Let’s not kid ourselves. The Epstein saga was never about bringing traffickers to justice. It was about managing fallout. Damage control. Protecting “the system” — whatever that system is.

From Prince Andrew’s disappearing sweat glands to Bill Gates’ awkward dinner denials, from Bill Clinton’s endless flight records to Les Wexner’s memory lapses, the Epstein affair has always been a mirror reflecting the rot in the ruling class.

It’s not like Melinda Gates didn’t divorce Bill because of his relationship with Epstein, surely!

Credit:@JDunlap1974

What was that, Grok (bolds mine)?

Melinda French Gates revealed in a 2025 CBS Mornings interview that her ex-husband, Bill Gates, continued to meet with Jeffrey Epstein despite her strong disapproval, which she described as a factor in their divorce, highlighting a significant personal and ethical conflict within their relationship.

The interview disclosed that Melinda met Epstein once out of curiosity and immediately regretted it, describing him as "abhorrent" and "evil personified," which underscores the depth of her distress and the gravity of Epstein's reputation even among high-profile individuals.

This revelation adds to the ongoing scrutiny of Epstein's network, with recent DOJ and FBI conclusions in 2025 denying the existence of an Epstein "client list" and asserting his suicide, contrasting sharply with public and conspiracy theories about his influence and the involvement of powerful figures like Gates.

And now, the mirror has been shattered. Swept under the rug. Replaced with a polite little plaque that reads:

“Nothing happened. And even if it did, no one important was involved. Good day, sir.”

Wrap Up

If you’re one of the few holdouts still expecting the DOJ to produce a list of Epstein’s clients… maybe next time.

And if you’re wondering why it took six years to determine there was no evidence of blackmail, no clients, and no conspiracy, you’re in the same club I’m in: the one we’re not in.

It’s not about finding the truth. It’s about waiting until the outrage dies down. Let the news cycle spin a few more times. Wait for another war, another market crash, another celebrity scandal. Then, when no one’s looking?

“Case closed.”

Meanwhile, Ghislaine Maxwell still sits in prison, presumably wondering how she trafficked girls to exactly no one.

And Epstein?

Let’s just say... the cameras didn’t catch him. Again.

As for Truth, Justice, and the American Way? The only place you’ll find it is in the new Superman movie.